Feeling Heard

Sometimes emotions transcend circumstances. Like once, I wept and wept pathetically on my bunk bed when I had just found out a bush in our backyard had been removed. I was about nine years old, but honestly, does that situation warrant tears? I think not.

I now consider myself a more stable type person. Getting older, I've learned to deal with change a little better. But the induction news was that bush being weedwacked to shrubbery heaven again. It hit me in the gut--more even than the situation warranted. I felt (pregnancy??) emotions swing high. 

There are a million horrible things in the world. Getting Pitocin is probably not on the list. (Though Pitocin without epidural could likely qualify.) Even though, logically, I knew this, I still felt completely unglued.

After having time to process, to write, to talk to Ben, to hash out scenarios, to pray and think and pray some more, I've felt the anxiety melt away. 

I feel heard in heaven; even though it's something pretty insignificant. He should just tell me, "Buck up, sister!" But instead He comforts and calms that, unreasonable but still raging, storm inside. It makes me think God really does care about us.

---

Also, I feel heard by an angel that works at my OB office: that Connie Ostrowski. I want to hug her. After hearing my brief hesitancy, she read me like a book. She suggested we might schedule an ultrasound and non-stress test for the day before scheduled induction. If he looks fine, they could push the induction back. If things look questionable, then go ahead with plans. Really?? Fantastic. 

So ultrasound Tuesday. Possible induction Wednesday, but might be pushed back.

I'm feeling good about that. It feels good to feel heard.

Asking Jesus one question

I remembered today when during college I volunteered in a special needs religion class. I oftentimes sat with M. He had Lou Gehrig's disease (think Ice Bucket Challenge; in case you actually looked up what ALS is) and maybe some cognitive or learning disabilities as well. I would help him read the verses or discuss the questions posed by the teacher.

One evening in class the teacher asked, "If you were there with Jesus and could ask him one question, what would you ask?" She had us each write our secret question on a small paper. What a hard task--one question only! I ended up writing something thoughtful, and perhaps a bit philosophical.

We shared our question with our partner. M. opened his paper. I saw in shaky print, "Will you heal me?"

The most sincere, faith-filled, obvious, necessary question to ask. And it didn't cross my mind. I saw my own "special needs" as I sat across from my project friend. I was the Pharisee asking questions; he was the true seeker.

Sometimes still I wonder what I should pray about. Sometimes I wonder what I need. I hope I don't look too far outside myself, and that as I look deep I find the wounds and ask M.'s question, "Will you heal me?" That seems the only question that really matters.

Strength of Women

I just don't seem to have the blogging time, or sometimes even the thinking time, to blog these days. I have yet to make the time anyway. But life is wonderful, meaningful, and autumn. I just had to post this video for safekeeping. Here's to women!

As Thou Wilt

I've felt more drawn to the Savior lately since watching this. Imagining his anguish, sensing his power, recognizing his humility, I've felt a more personal connection with him. In moments of impatience with someone or some circumstance, this image of him in the garden continues to come into my mind. Just that thought lifts the pride right away; patience somehow created in its place.

Hurting, Helping, Trusting

Yesterday I took Seth to a friend's house so I could go to a doctor's appointment. He shrieked in delight when he saw his friend and was thrilled to be at her house. As I pulled away I could see him out my rearview mirror: he turned around and saw his car and mommy leaving. He looked stunned. I realized then I never told him I was leaving him there. I pulled away, needing to get to my appointment on time, a little sick at heart to think he felt abandoned.

Later, as I drove back from the appointment I still felt a small pit in my stomach remembering the look on his face when I left him. "I never want to leave him again. I never want to hurt him again. I never want him to get hurt again! How can a mom save her child from all hurts??"

I suddenly felt anxious imagining future scenarios that will inevitably hurt him. I felt more uneasy as I considered, on top of that, the possible evils that could lurk into his future life. I want to shield him from all of it!


That night, I was reading a parenting article called "Helping Without Hovering". Near the end it suggested:

"Good parenting sometimes means allowing our children to fail and to deal with some heartbreaking experiences. President Thomas S. Monson reminds us that, "Life was never intended to consist of a glut of luxury, be an easy course, or filled only with success. There are those games which we lose, those races in which we finish last, and those promotions that never come. Such experiences provide an opportunity for us to show our determination and rise above disappointment."

The article added: 

"All people will face disappointments and unpleasant experiences at some point in their lives. If children can learn how to handle less-than ideal situations when they are young, they will be more resilient and resourceful as adults. Help your children to see that they can develop creative solutions for their problems instead of ignoring or avoiding them."

This made me think. My motherly instinct says, "Protect him from all hurts". But perhaps that has it own 'hurts'. Certainly Eve, Sariah and Mary wanted to protect their children.  But these mothers trusted that God's plan--letting each of us decide if we will follow Him amidst all circumstances--was right and worth whatever hurts occurred; and they had faith that there was a balm to heal. 

Fulfilled in Your Ears

This scripture has been rolling around in my heart lately. It beautifully captures the good news of heaven, and why Christmas matters.

The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverence to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, to preach the acceptable year of the Lord.

Moments That Matter Most

Poor & Needy

I've felt the need lately to feel more compassion for the needy. With that hope I've studied the phrase "poor and needy" from the scriptures Elder Bednar style.

I learned many lessons about caring for the poor and needy; here I'm going to include the top 5.

    5. It is not only a modern, but an ancient emphasized command
       30 times in Old Testament; Deut. 15:7-11 a beautiful example

    4. A top priority of Jesus in mortal ministry
        a doctrine he lived and taught (i.e. sheep/goats, Good Samaritan, Matt. 22:36-40)

    3. I must see myself as poor and needy before God
      many Psalms, Alma 34:17-27, Mosiah 4:17-18

    2. Must not harden my heart in this matter, don't let my heart faint
       Deut. 15:7-11, D&C 124:75, Pres. Eyring

And the point that impacted me most:

    1. I am not a disciple of Christ if I don't help the poor
      D&C 52:40, Alma 34:28, D&C 42:29, Jer. 22:18, D&C 104:18, D&C 105:2-3


Other great helps from:
 Pres. Romney,
 Bishop Burton,
 Pres. Eyring,
 recent section on welfare in Ensign magazine (last 7 articles on this page)


I'll end with some food for thought from Bishop Burton:

The purpose, promises, and principles that reinforce our work of caring for the poor and needy extend far beyond the bounds of mortality. This sacred work is not only to benefit and bless those who suffer or are in need. As sons and daughters of God, we cannot inherit the full measure of eternal life without being fully invested in caring for each other while we are here on earth. It is in the benevolent practice of sacrifice and giving of ourselves to others that we learn the celestial principles of sacrifice and consecration.

"A Reservoir of Living Water"

Since finishing my latest chronological study of the Book of Mormon I've been wondering what and how I should read next for my scripture study.

I vaguely remembered the talk "A Reservoir of Living Water" from Elder Bednar (download it free here). I thought it would give me some helpful ideas. So I read it--more carefully and prayerfully than I had in the past. His practical yet challenging suggestions really spoke to me.

I think applying his study ideas really would wring out more living water from God's word and into my soul. After reading it I felt compelled to study the theme of "the poor and needy". This subject has really pulled at my heartstrings lately. I'll write later about some I learn.

I suggest this talk to anyone wondering how to get more out of their personal scripture study.

24+ Easter Ideas

One of my 2011 goals is to make more holiday traditions. I especially want to make Easter more special. Less bunnies. If there are 12 days of Christmas I figure there should be at least 12 days of Easter.

Post-Easter last year, I found a website (I can't remember where...) with some excellent ideas. Here are the ones I loved, plus a few I added. I hope to try them this year! At least most of them. And maybe someday we'll do one activity for each day of Lent; that'd be awesome. For now, I'll start a bit smaller.

Here's to a meaningful Easter celebration!

1. Ash Wednesday: First Day of Lent

- Explain ashes demonstrate sorrow for sin

- light candle, make ashes

- read in Old Testament about "sackcloth and ashes" and “beauty for ashes”

2. Lent is traditionally about “giving up” something to remember Christ’s sacrifice

- Saturday fast for lunch for month before Easter

- Give money to humanitarian aid

- Discuss this, make jar for money, decide where to send money

3. Take “new life walk” outdoors

- Look for new shoots on branches, flowers, eggs in nests

4 (or more). Sing Easter songs

5. Devotional on "the Lamb of God"

- Read Ex. 12:21-24; John 1:29; 1 Cor. 5:7-8

- Make a lamb: glue cotton balls to a small paper plate, then add pink and black construction-paper eyes, ears, muzzle, nose and hooves.


6. Ready for spring

- Clean out garden for bulbs

- or buy potted spring flower (tulips, daffodils, lilies)

7. Bring spring indoors

- Put soil in cup or pot and plant grass seeds

8. Devotional on redemption

- “recovering ownership" and "restoring value”

- read a scripture about redemption

9. Clean house

- Jewish families typically cleaned before the Passover celebration.


10. Passover dinner

(Ours would...will...be very small and simple.)

11. Give seed envelopes as Easter gifts

12. Make hot cross buns

13. Devotional on atonement

- Help kids understand the ideas of making amends or repaying a debt that is owed.

- Read a scripture about atonement.

14. (or more) Family and Resurrection

- Discuss ancestors’ story who have died.

15. Visit petting zoo and look for newborns

16 (or more). Movie on resurrection

- Watch “Lamb of God” or “The Testaments”

17. Devotional on repentance.

- Have a white shirt stained with red kool-aid. Apply bleach to stain.

- read Isaiah 1:18, pure as snow

- give example of a prayer of repentence

- challenge each person to repent of something that day

18. Palm Sunday

- pictures of palm leaves, donkey, words “hosanna”, “Son of David”

- read accounts from the Gospels

- discuss significance of each of above pictures or words

19. Devotional on resurrection

- Read a scripture passage that explains resurrection

- Answer "who, what, when, where, why and how" questions about resurrection

20. Devotional on witnesses of Jesus Christ's resurrection

- Find how many people saw Jesus after his resurrection

21. Maundy Thursday

- The word Maundy comes from a root word meaning "mandate" or "command."

- Look up John 13:34-35 to discover the "new commandment" Jesus gives.


- Read and discuss Matthew 26:36-46.

- Then read his prayer for all believers—including your family—in John 17:20-26.

22. Good Friday

- Probably evolved from the phrase "God's Friday."

- Talk about why the day Christ died is ultimately very good, the “good news”

- Isaiah 53:2-8, sufferings on cross

23. Ministered to spirits in prison

- Read 1 Peter 3:18-19, 1 Peter 4:6.

- Now read D&C 138:11-24 (or verses 11-37)

24. EASTER

- Candy in baskets, hide baskets somewhere in house; "seek and ye shall find"; “what comfort this sweet sentence gives: I know that my Redeemer lives”

- Devotional: Read scriptures of resurrection (imagine or act out as Mary, Peter or John)

- Cemetery scavenger hunt: look for youngest person, oldest person, favorite name

- Share testimonies with each other of resurrection

- Go sing Easter song to someone who would appreciate it

Gathering In

"And then will I gather them in from the four quarters of the earth; and then will I fulfil the covenant which the Father hath made unto all the people of the house of Israel." --3 Nephi 16:5

I've been reading and thinking a lot about the gathering of scattered Israel lately. I felt so strengthened after watching this video of these beautiful people and their testimonies, their love for Christ's gospel and His holy temples.

Another reason this spoke to me is because one of my favorite people on the planet, my grandpa, recently served a mission in Ukraine!

YouTube Mormon Messages

I was just reading a book. I paused. I realized I felt sour and sad--like the dim dreariness outside found it's way inside me. I put the book down. The house was quiet, Seth was still asleep. Ben was still in class. What could I do to see and feel beauty again?

1. Stop reading the book

2. Open the computer and watch a mormon message video

I ended up watching 5. I feel revived. I feel direction and peace. It's because of the words of true prophets and people that love their good news.

What a tool for being uplifted and for remembering what matters.

View other videos at http://www.youtube.com/user/MormonMessages

Being Good

Lately I've sensed the pulls of laziness, selfishness and competitiveness in myself. As I've been working to fight them this quote has become more real to me:

No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is...

You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later.

...Christ because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means--the only complete realist.

C.S. Lewis

Mere Christianity, p. 142, italics added

And I might add: thus, the only one to deliver us from temptation. I'll couple this with something else Lewis said.

...a Christian is a not a man who never goes wrong, but a man who is enabled to repent and pick himself up and begin over again after each stumble--because the Christ-life is inside him, repairing him all the time, enabling him to repeat (in some degree) the kind of voluntary death which Christ Himself carried out.

That is why the Christian is in a different position from other people who are trying to be good...the Christian thinks any good he does comes from the Christ-life inside him. He does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us...

Mere Christianity, p. 63, italics added

Overcoming Competitive Mothering

I've found that I have a box of little prideful delights. I think most mothers who are still human have theirs too.

"I had an epidural."

"I had a natural childbirth."

"My baby is smart."

"My baby is small."

"My kid is well-behaved."

"My kid is beautiful."

There's often a second part to these thoughts that is barely audible in our minds, but very present:

"I had an epidural...unlike those insecure women trying to 'prove themselves.'"

"I had a natural childbirth...unlike other women who can't handle it."

"My baby is smart...er than _______,"

"My baby is small...er than ______,"

"My kid is well-behaved...at least compared to ______,"

"My kid is beautiful...at least more than ______."

Why do we feel compelled to compete?

How can we be truly grateful about these blessings, but not compare them to someone else's blessings? Or worse, someone else's challenges?

Usually when I hear the story of the 10 lepers I've thought, "Well, I hope I'm one that would remember to thank Him." But I think there is a more applicable way to think about that story: we likely only recognize and thank the Lord for 1 blessing for every 10 He gives us.

Who has given us these, and every, blessing? Certainly the Lord. We cannot be proud when we recognize every good thing comes from Him and not ourselves.

If anybody had reason to brag about her labor and delivery, mothering skills or perfect children it was certainly Mary. And how did she react?

First, she pondered her blessings and responsibilities in her heart.

And when she did speak of them, she most fervently and meekly testified of the Lord's great power.

And Mary said, My soul doth magnify the Lord,

And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour.

For he hath regarded the low estate of his handmaiden: for, behold, from henceforth all generations shall call me blessed.

For he that is mighty hath done to me great things; and holy is his name.

And his mercy is on them that fear him from generation to generation.

He hath shewed strength with his arm; he hath scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts.

He hath put down the mighty from their seats, and exalted them of low degree.

He hath filled the hungry with good things; and the rich he hath sent empty away.

He hath holpen his servant Israel, in remembrance of his mercy;

As he spake to our fathers, to Abraham, and to his seed for ever.

No wonder she was chosen. Let us do as Mary and ponder these things in our heart. Let us learn from them and cherish them. Let us pray to God in thanks for them! But let us not pride ourselves in what we have not done. Let us not think we have accomplished anything where we have only been blessed. Let us be mothers who worship God and not ourselves.

Time

Shoot. Lewis has a way of hitting things on the head. Here's another one of my problems exposed:

Now you will have noticed that nothing throws [this Christian] into a passion so easily as to find a tract of time which he reckoned on having at his own disposal unexpectedly taken from him. It is the unexpected visitor (when he looked forward to a quiet evening), or the friend's talkative wife (turning up when he looked forward to a tete-a-tete with the friend), that throw him out of gear. Now he is not yet so uncharitable or slothful that these small demands on his courtesy are in themselves too much for it. They anger him because he regards his time as his own and feels that it is being stolen...

...If [God] appeared to him in bodily form and demanded that total service for even one day, he would not refuse. He would be greatly relieved if that one day involved nothing harder than listening to the conversation of a foolish woman; and he would be relieved almost to the pitch of disappointment if for one half-hour in that day [God] said 'Now you may go and amuse yourself.' Now if he thinks about his assumption for a moment, even he is bound to realize that he is actually in this situation every day.

-- The Screwtape Letters

C.S. Lewis

p. 111-113

Being established II

I failed to mention one thing. Sometimes having so many opportunities to serve can be difficult too.

However, maybe this serving helps me more than any other. Maybe the real good of it is recognizing my hard heart. Serving with a hard heart doesn't do me any good. But if I can recognize it and pray that my heart can be softened through the service, new love can be created. And that act of service will simultaneously be working out my salvation before God; to use his power to not just do idle service, but to feel more love for more people.

So yes, being established is good; having chances to serve is good.

Feeling Unappreciated

Helping those who aren't grateful. That's hard. It's feeling like a Good Samaritan, but being told we didn't wrap the bandages well, the donkey ride back to town was more bumpy than the last time he was given a donkey ride and the food wasn't at all like his mother's. You, the "good" Samaritan have a very active piece inside of you that wants to dump them right back out there on the road and see how they feel then.

I recently brought a meal to someone in need. It took me awhile to find the place. And not the best part of town. I graciously handed her the bag of food.

Within a few minutes she told me how much she liked wheat homemade bread. (I brought white). And, "Ooh I feel like some fruit."

"Well, I brought some apples in here."

"Oh apples?? Honey, I'm talking about juicy peaches, now those are my favorites."

Really, I couldn't stay offended because she had so little tact that I just knew we'd be raised in two different worlds. The area she lived in was enough to tell me that too.

But it did make me take a step back for a minute. "Why I am doing this then? Am I taking a meal because I want to be appreciated? I want to be recognized? Am I not doing it simply to help?"

And also a rhetorical question, "Should I only help people who I judge to need it, want it, and appreciate it?"

This analogy came to mind. A doctor in the E.R. is brought a patient. The doctor judges from the patient's appearance and medical chart to be a rough person. Maybe even a bad person. But this patient is on the brink of death. What if the doctor denied him care because he thought the patient didn't deserve it? Or what if he was denied care simply because he thought the patient wouldn't appreciate it? How cruel! How dangerously conceited!

Of course, the doctor is there to help and save everyone he can. That's his job.

So too are we meant to help and save everyone we can, and not to be judges over them. That is meant for Him who is far more qualified.

So as I struggle with sometimes feeling unappreciated I must remember to consider that there is more to my service that just giving people what they want. It is about my relationship with my Lord:

31 ¶ When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory:

32 And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats:

33 And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.

34 Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:

35 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:

36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

37 Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?

38 When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?

39 Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?

40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

41 Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:

42 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink:

43 I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not.

44 Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee?

45 Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.

46 And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.