A Privilege

A moment from January 2009 came back to me today. I had just gotten the results from the many tests done to find why the recurrent miscarriages. I was told the tests came back normal. I crumbled on the couch and again in our room with every thought of the future.

Would I never lead the life I wanted to have? Would my body never give way to those prayers said, fasts observed, and blessings given? Would I ever be blessed with the joy of raising a child?

I feel everyday with Seth is a privilege. Every moment is tender for me, from pregnancy and childbirth to feeding him graham crackers and keeping him clean. I realize so many women yearn for these moments in their homes. I find it hard to express how dear motherhood is to me because I don't want to further heartache of those who cannot experience it.

But I do know one thing: this is not a right. It is, indeed, a privilege. I hope to keep all childless mothers in mind as I raise Seth and make the choices they would make. I hope to be the most kind, the most patient, the most content, the most conscientious, the most tenderhearted, the most prayerful, and the most happy mother possible. And certainly the women who are asked to wait the longest will find the most joy in motherhood of us all.

Looking into Seth's bright and trusting face I find myself overwhelmed. I cannot forget the Lord's mercy. I know this is who I am to care for at this time. And here he is in my lap waiting to be hugged and held and helped.